A mumbling rant shall ensue.

I’m sick of feeling like I’m distant, so tired of trying hard to no avail. This is no cry for help rather a cry for someone to understand, a cry that has yet to be heard. I could keep going, and I’m sure I will, but the reasoning seems distant to me. Nothing changes with the words I put here, sometimes I wish it’d all disappear. I’m sick of being unsure of what people know about me, I’m tired of people thinking I’m something more then what I am, a freshman in college trying to find his way.

There are only a few weeks between me and throwing in the towel on skiing. I’m tired of the lack of appreciation I am receiving for my efforts. It is no mistake that I didn’t do clothing this year, I didn’t want to put that much money into the site when I wasn’t even sure if I should do it or not. I will see what response I get from the ski industry in the upcoming month. If it is short of supportive I will be done, not even sure if I will keep Midwest Skier online. I would give it all up for a chance to be normal, whatever that may be. I want to be able to do or not do things without this sense of guilt because I should be working. When I go overseas this summer I want to know that I don’t have to worry about what is going on back home and with work.

It’s so hard to stay motivated with work when my main reasons for starting is all but diminished. I was looking for approval from my dad and it was also a way to escape the depression I was going through by keeping myself constantly busy. Neither of those things do I need help with anymore. While we still aren’t that close, I’ve never been closer to my dad then I am now. The Lord has help me overcome my depression and it’s been over 6-7 months since my last episode with it. There is nothing for me to feel worthless about.

Not to be self-boasting but the fact that guys complained after the event this year got to me as well. It frustrates me to no end to read pointless and baseless dribble from someone who has nothing better to do with their time. All my mind is telling me to pull up and leave but there is something in my heart that is telling me to stay, however, whenever I read something like that the pull diminishes even more. I’m just worried what will happen around here when I leave.

Also sorry for the recent poetry, I read something and it got me inspired to write something. It’s very hard to write about people (I just love people and writing about them) when there isn’t any one person you’re writing about? I’ll leave you all with that.

Take care and God bless,
~paul